Monday, January 16, 2012

5 things you might find rather odd if you saw them in your parents' house

List by Tosca

"Now I am obsessed with collecting Platypus paraphernalia."
- Trevor Dunn

A colleague asked me the other day, "Where do you find these books in our collection?" And the truth is, I'm not sure. A variety of places and ways, is probably the best answer. Some are recommended by friends, some by colleagues, some by siblings, some by Amazon and GoodReads. Most I find by happy accident while either looking for something else or with an idea of something altogether different in mind. My latest read, Crap at my parents' house by Joel Dovev, is of the 'happy accident' category.

Truly, you have to read this book to believe it. And if you do have things like this just oh, I don't know, hanging around your house (your walls, your toilets, and YES I said your toilets), please send me a picture!

Honourable mention:
  • Michael Jordan matryoshka doll
  • macramé fly swat
  • Ron Jeremy figure with a bow tie that reads "Pull down firmly" (I don't ever want to pull Ron Jeremy's anything let alone a bow tie)
  • a rifle (complete with telescopic sight) kept underneath the coffee mug rack
  • eight years worth of Pizza Hut condiments
  • fondue fuel (it needed FUEL?)
  • a toilet spray called 'Poopsie Daisy'
  • a ceramic frog dressed and posed rather provocatively - whether or not there's an 'appropriate' way to pose half-naked frogs isn't something I want to contemplate
  • figurines of mating elephants
  • antlers...minus the heads - WHERE ARE THE HEADS? This is going to keep me up at night, I just know it
  • Mary (as in mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph) inside a...I'm not sure what it is, I only know that when it's closed it resembles a - well, I'll leave it to you to decide when you request this
  • a ceramic angel holding what is MEANT to be a candle but sure as heck doesn't LOOK like one
  • what looks like a ceiling height squirrel cage in a lounge, which made me look at my own lounge in a whole new (somewhat confusing) light

  • A stuffed puppy - page 118
    "It's just like getting a puppy for your birthday. Except it's not your birthday. And the puppy is dead."

    An actual puppy but stuffed. I've never understood taxidermy and I suspect this is because I forever associate it with Norman Bates in Hitchcock's Psycho. You might remember his mother? That scared me witless as a kid, so much so that this is what I think of when people talk about 'taxidermy.' And I know, deep down, that that isn't really what it's like, but at 36 I don't think this is going to change any time soon. I can only be profoundly thankful that my parents never had any stuffed anything, except teddy bears, while I was growing up. The thought of dead eyes staring at me is...somewhat unsettling.

    A Molotov cocktail with a tampon fuse
    "The public library charges a fee for late books. My parents' private library has a slightly more intimidating policy: a Molotov cocktail with a tampon fuse."

    Tosca's comment: I know you think I'm making this up but I'm so not. I promise. And, really, words fail me. For once they truly, truly do.

    A reborn doll
    "Oh, cool. A totally lifelike doll. I don't like sleeping with my eyes closed anyway."

    Tosca's comment: These...disturb me. Vinyl dolls deliberately made to resemble human babies that are also, as Danielle showed me via Google (Oh, Google, you destroyer of innocence), purchased/collected by (predominantly) women who dress them up and treat them like real-life babies. And by 'treat them' I mean buy them clothes, cribs, take them out with them, etc.

    Crossword toilet paper... - page 158
    "What's an eight-letter word for the worst place to do a crossword puzzle made out of toilet paper while listening to AM radio?"

    Tosca's comment: Because we all, apparently, yearn to finish a crossword while sitting on the bog while listening to Engelbert Humperdinck, right...?

    A box of cremated remains that doesn't belong to anybody in your household or family - page 191
    "From the submitter: My sister and I were cleaning out a closet at our parents' house. We discovered this little gem: the cremated remains of our nanny's husband, Hans. Our nanny "forgot" Hans when she retired in 1975."

    Tosca's comment: Lost. For. Words.

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