5 Christmas books to make you see the funnier side of the season

I hate the commercial side of Christmas. I find it distinctly...un-Christmassy. (If that's a non-term I can use). And, some days, I'm not so crash hot on believing that my Christmas bonhomie can survive visiting relatives. But I am, first and foremost, a cynic, so there's that to take into account. One thing I do love about this time of year, though, is the amount of weirdly wonderful Christmas books we have in our collections, and today's gems are proof positive there is such a thing. I mean, I don't know about YOU but the idea that I can survive what has been, traditionally, a rather trying time of year for me (few social skills, low tolerance for happiness, and just general awkward-ery) by reading stories that poke fun at Christmas, I'M IN. Although book 5? Nothing beats book 5. Seriously. It was the 'inspiration' (and I use that word loosely) behind this post. The idea that you can knit Christmas decorations like Arne and Carlos do, does my head in a little. My disastrous knitting experiences are legendary, but this almost makes me want to try again. With, no doubt, a second disastrous result BUT STILL, right? If you're an awkward duck like me, this might be your kind of thing - 5 Christmas books to make you see the funnier side of the season.

1. Bad Santas : and other creepy Christmas characters / Paul Hawkins
Nonfiction. A gleefully dark and well-researched exploration of the history and customs of European Yuletide folklore. How did St Nicholas save children from cannibalism? Who were the Yule Lads and why would they steal your sausages? Why was the Alpine Father Christmas accompanied by a demonic figure called the Krampus who bundled children into sacks and dragged them off to Hell? And why do Spanish nativity scenes often feature a defecating peasant? Over the course of the 20th Century, a universal image developed around the world of Santa Claus as a kindly Christmas visitor but, prior to that, each country, town and community would have Christmas visitors of their own - sometimes human, sometimes animal, sometimes something else entirely - with their own curious set of mythology and customs. The Finns were visited by a pagan goat named Joulupukki that was said to eat anyone who misbehaved. In Iceland, it was said that any child who did not receive an item of new clothing for Christmas would be caught and consumed by the monstrous Christmas Cat! Bad Santas celebrates some of the most imaginative, terrifying and outright curious Christmas figures from across Europe - looking closely at its legacy of disquieting fairy stories. With beautiful black and white line drawings in each chapter, this unusual, entertaining and gleefully dark exploration of seasonal folklore will make an ideal Christmas gift and the perfect book for reading around the fireside.

2. Snark! The herald angels sing : sarcasm, bitterness, and the holiday season / Lawrence Dorfman
Bah Humbug It s that time of year again.Time to spend too much, drink too much, eat too much, smile falsely, dig down deep to try and find good cheer, battle crowds, try to find parking in over-crowded lots, ignore surly clerks, bartenders, waiters, valets, and parking lot attendants, all in the pursuit of that moment of happiness known throughout the world asdun, dun, dun: the Holidays. Has there ever been a time more suited to tapping into snark? With commentary, jokes, and quotes regarding Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, New Year s; on bad presents, worse in-laws, horrible children, and much more glorious excess. Enjoy such rotten sugar plums as: Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. Victor Borge If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it...No awkward explanations of virgin birth...No Irving Berlin songs. Among the Top Ten Reasons to Love Hanukkah What I don t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller Snark, the Herald Angels Sing is destined to be a holiday classic.

3. Santa responds [OverDrive eBooks] : he's had enough -- and he's writing back! / by Santa Claus
Ever wonder what Santa does with all those letters? (And all those cookies?) After a particularly long, cold night staring at nine smelly reindeer butts, the old man lets loose with the real answers to those stupid, whiny, hard-to-read letters from kids. Turns out, we really do get what we deserve.

Dear Billy,
I know you honestly believe that the good deeds you rattled off represent your behavior for the entire past year rather than the activities that occurred during the two hours leading up to the writing of this letter. Two hours of good behavior hardly justifies a new Playstation, let alone a trip to Disney World!!
Your pal,
Santa

4. Ugly Christmas sweater party book : the definitive guide to getting your ugly on / Brian Miller, Adam Paulson, and Kevin Wool, a.k.a. Team Ugly of UglyChristmasSweaterParty.com
Definitive in every way, Ugly Christmas Sweater Party Book includes the history of the event, how to throw the perfect party, what to wear, and how to judge the all-important ugly Christmas sweater contest. But most important, Ugly Christmas Sweater Party Book is packed with more than 100 hilarious, full-color photos of outrageously ugly Christmas sweaters, including Scarf Face, Wreath Witherspoon, and Ryan Treecrest. It’s a must-have for the millions who plan to throw or attend an ugly Christmas sweater party, and a sidesplitting look at the funniest, craziest, most unbelievable holiday sweaters you can imagine—authorized by Team Ugly, the recognized experts on ugly Christmas sweater parties.

5. 55 Christmas balls to knit : colorful festive ornaments, tree decorations, centerpieces, wreaths, window dressings / Arne & Carlos
This book features step-by-step instructions for 55 small-scale knitted Christmas decorations with classic holiday graphics such as snowflakes, berries, bows, angels and animals as well as more ornate patterns often found in Scandanavian sweaters, hats and mittens.

Time to say goodbye, and introduce the 12 posts of Christmas

It's that time of year when we come at you with our annual 12 posts of Christmas - all kinds of crazily useful and terribly useless THINGS I have come across in our collections, on the interwebs, or while out and about in 'the outerwebs'. It is, not coincidentally, also our last series of posts. Once the 12 posts of Christmas updates are done, we will close the Top 5 Goodies blog for good. You'll still be able to come back and read it, however we will no longer update this space from 2 January 2014 on, and neither will the posts be open to new comments. This is, you see, my last week with Auckland Libraries. As a result, this series of posts - our annual 12 posts of Christmas - will be our last posts forever.

Back in 2010, Danielle and I set up this space to provide an informal place (and voice) for staff and customers to:

1. read about our rich and diverse collections
2. celebrate the joy of reading, learning and discovery
3. comment about our posts in particular, or our services in general
4. suggest lists topics/ideas they'd like to see represented here
5. to have fun!

I like to think we achieved all 5 objectives. With that in mind, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you - family, friends, acquaintances, interwebs grazers - for your support and encouragement over the last three and a half years. It has been, will always and forever have been, a joy to have shared ALL OF THIS with you. Think about it - you let us babble on incoherently about fanfiction, romance novels, all things geeky, family related or work related, and have been the best audience anybody could ever want. We thought this was just going to be about library books, but it's also been an opportunity to share how much books influence a large part of who we are, and just how much they can change lives. And we are aware, everyday, of just how incredibly lucky we are that others have wanted to read about that, too

I have greatly enjoyed the fact that I got to jump on here and talk, randomly or purposefully, about our books, CDs and/or DVDs. Between editing some of our eNewsletters, posting to a couple of other blogs we have, and personal reading/listening/watching I was always up to my eyeballs in goodies and treasures. And so many of them generated the most hilarious lists. (In my head, anyway). It has been my *absolute pleasure* to have been able to run the Top 5 Goodies blog.

From tomorrow on, we'll be posting about all kinds of strange and wonderful things up to (and including) 1 January 2014. So we'll see you back here for one last hurrah.
 - tosca

5 unusual craft books

“Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”
― Demetri Martin

My mum was awesomeness. She was an incredibly arty person (not so much these days because she's busier than she ever was with work). No matter where we lived or how old we were we always had craft supplies. My childhood memories are full of fantastical things made from rolls of butcher paper, crayons, felts, colouring pencils, glitter pens, sellotape, wool, PVA glue, dye, cotton wool, pipe cleaner, construction paper, buttons, googly eyes, paper plates, feathers, sequins, bits and pieces of materials (usually leftovers from things mum had sewn), toothpicks, popsicle sticks... We were encouraged to try everything and MAKE ALL OF THE THINGS. It was great fun, but I was realistic about it all because I suck badly at arts and crafts. Seriously, any kid who chops their fringe off in anger and believes that PVA glue will help them glue it back on is not playing with a complete Happy Meal. (What can I say? I was twelve, and I never claimed to be a genius). Maybe it's the thwarted artist in me who deliberately looks to recreate the childhood buzz of craftery (bad English is bad English) but I find myself fatally attracted to strange and unusual craft books. Like the ones listed below because why not, right? I mean, who could seriously walk past Star Trek and Star Wars crafts? Or marvel at the madness that is Regretsy? Or construct strangely interesting duct tape-y type things *shrugs* The weird is my kryptonite, and I revel in it all. And now you can, too...

5 strangely named science books

"Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Remember how in yesterday's post I said that strange and unusual titles manage to find me without my even trying? Today's post is proof positive, yet again, that I meant it. I came across the book A neutron walks into a bar: Random facts and big ideas about our universe and everything in it and, before I knew it, had this list below. It's a gift. A gift that I can't return and/or get a refund on and so I've learned to live with it and revel in it. And so I give you: 5 strangely named science books.

Today is the first day in our (now 3rd) annual 12 Posts of Christmas series, people! We're blogging every day up to Christmas Day with recommendations that will make you laugh, geek out, make grabby hands in trying to get your hands on them and, hopefully, make you want to share them with everyone including strange people you meet on your morning bus rides to work (Please tell me it's NOT just me who does that). Roll on the madness!

5 (of 150) essential things every guy should know about science

"If you're a real man, you get a kick out of things that go boom, catch fire, and smell really, really, bad. What you might not know is that science is what makes it all happen."
- Bobby Mercer, How do you light a fart? And 150 other essential things every guy should know about science

I believe that we all have a talent or a gift. For most of us, this will probably manifest itself in useful ways. Like being able to save lives as a doctor, or mould young minds as a teacher. Me...not so much. My gift is that I can find the strangest and most unusual books/titles in our collections without even trying. Actually, if I'm honest, then I'll admit that I find unusual EVERYTHING without trying - books, shoes, people, hats, animals. You name it, it all finds me. (In this instance I'm thinking of the strange guy who came up to me at Armageddon earlier this year and SNIFFED MY HAIR. If this were Twitter, my hashtag for this would be #thisismylife because, really, it is). Today's pick is all about the miscellanea. To be precise, 150 essential bits of science trivia that every guy should know. Really! Mercer's book is actually called How do you light a fart? And 150 other essential things every guy should know about science. It was hard for me to choose my top 5, so I settled for picking the 5 that made me WTF the most AND/OR made me snort/giggle (snortiggle? Gnort?) the loudest. Read them. Laugh about them. More importantly, rejoice in the fact that we (and the men who need to know these things) are, possibly, just that little bit smarter. And grossed out.

Quick note: I have to apologise for my absence. Work is crazybusyflatout at the moment, and writing Top 5 posts, for the next couple of weeks or so, is going to be a snatched, guilty pleasure. Tomorrow - 13th December - kickstarts our third year of 12 Posts of Christmas, where we post every day leading up to Christmas Day, about all sorts of random-ish things. So! Bring it on :)

5 things this book taught me about living with a man

"You've reeled in the man you love. Well done. But the work is far from over. In fact, it's only just begun. And I'm not talking about perfecting your Sunday roast. You, dear, are a work-in-progress. You must diligently maintain a basic grooming routine, both to keep him satisfied and to continue to become the most glamorous and beguiling woman in your - and his acquaintance."
- Jennifer Worick in How to live with a man and love it!

Title: How to live with a man and love it!
Author: Jennifer Worick
Publisher: Allen & Unwin
Published: 2005

I'm single. In fact, I'm allergic to commitment of any kind. Seriously, I can't even own a pet or a pot plant without hyperventilating and feeling like I'm trapped. Twice, though, I've considered marriage. The first time, well, least said...least said. With the second time, I had a dream that I was walking down the aisle and for some reason that made me wake up crying (sobbing, actually) and thinking that all of my choices, and my identity, were being taken away from me. (Yeah, I know, drama queen much?). This all adds up to no marriage, no settling down, no kids. (If I can't do pets or pot plants I most certainly can't do kids). So what better match for a commitment phobe like me, than Worick's tongue-in-cheek relationship humour? Last week on the Auckland Libraries blog I mentioned Worick's book Things I want to punch in the face which, in turn, led me to this find. And this book, OH THIS BOOK! Rib-hurtingly funny, wholly irreverent, and with a dash of truth thrown in here and there, too. Because OF COURSE, right? This is the part where I could tell you that I conducted some terribly scientific experiment to round out this post - but we both know I'd be lying through my teeth. Me being me, I picked out five random tips and ran them past friends and siblings. What a series of emails and conversations that was! Here are 5 humorous things this book taught me about living with a man (were I to settle down), and some responses to them.

5 sites my fangirl self follows like I need air BECAUSE REASONS

"Fan girling: Any girl extremely obsessed with any celebrity, t.v. show, movies, books, or other entertainment/media who is participating in fan activities such as message boards, fanfiction, or convention.
Has been used in the past as derogatory but has become less and less so in certain fandoms. Fan girling frequently happens with large amounts of squee."
- UrbanDictionary.com

Large amounts of squee? You say po-tay-to, I say "Define large!" Sure, sane people might argue that this post title isn't a particularly good one. I mean, really, "5 sites my fangirl self follows like I need air BECAUSE REASONS." Bizarre, right? Luckily, I have never declared myself to be sane OR good OR non-bizarre like. Therefore, I win at life. And my prize? The interwebs. ALL OF THE INTERWEBS. I make no bones about the fact that I consider myself a fangirl. I earnestly tell people I'm just a nerdy girl with a laptop and an inappropriate love of Jensen Ackles and we all laugh about it but, at the heart of everything, it's the truth. I enjoy tv shows, movies, books and all things geeky SO MUCH that I get all flail-y and GAH and ACK and lose the ability to use my words and just experience FEELS because my fandoms are that awesome. These five sites listed below are where I get to revel, celebrate and indulge my fangirlness in all its crazy. What do they do that's so great? They keep me in the fandom loop with fanfic, fanvids, fanart, cranky mcranty pants posts about sexuality and the concept of beauty and why people shouldn't tag AO3 fic like it's Tumblr run amok, and they dedicate gifsets to Jensen's mouth and Jared's dimples. Yes, we are crazy, we are plentiful, and we are on your screens. So, here's to fangirls the world over!

Honourable mention:
LiveJournal.com
From the site: "LiveJournal is an online community, a social network, and a place for self-expression. We strive to create an environment where you can connect with others, share your thoughts, and be yourself. Our core values guide us to protect and cultivate that community."

Tosca: LiveJournal is where I find some of the fanfic I read. If you know where or how to look you, or even who to follow, you can find some great stuff. Of course, you also find some truly, TRULY, terrible stuff. Beyond terrible.

5 geeky links (from one geek to another)

"Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you"
- Unknown

Some of you will get the poem that goes with today's post. YAY! Some of you won't, and that's okay. It's kind of a dorky/geeky thing that makes me laugh whenever I see the t-shirts. (Yes, of course there are t-shirts, and I've seen some at ThinkGeek.com because THOSE GUYS, THOSE GUYS, they think of everything, right?). I told it to my sister and she wore this fabulous look of confusion that always makes me want to say to her, "Y U SO BEAUTIFUL?" I've never bothered to read any geeky stuff to her since. (Not even the one I really wanted to, which was: "There’s no place like 127.0.0.1"). Short post because REASONS. Namely, who wants to hear me prattle on? It's all about the links. So, from one geek to another - 5 geeky links that are totally full of win.

Small note: As I was hunting up images for this post I came across this one in Flickr by the Library of Congress that is gorgeously amazeballs. Just wanted to mention that.

Honourable mention:

SDCC: San Diego Comic-Con International group on Flickr - Comic-Con is my mothership and one day - ONE DAY - I shall attend. Until then, I visit the SDCC Flick group more times than is good for me and IMAGINE

5 books about the funny side of fashion

"So soon as a fashion is Universal, it is out of date."
- Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

Some random, weird catalogue search led me to this book *points left* which, in turn, I chucked aside in favour of the ones listed below because REASONS. (Yes, this is my excuse for everything). Seriously, these books will make you rejoice that fashion comes and goes the way it does. What I'm a little bit scared about is that so many of these things will, more than likely, come back again - maybe not knitted or crocheted. Possibly quilted? Who knows. After all, that is the way of fashion, is it not? And I'm not so sure that's a good thing. Consider it: paisley underwear, tartan underwear, fondue sets, cravats, smocks, knitted tank tops, blue eyeshadow, knickerbockers (ok, so maybe they're NOT knickerbockers but they ruddy well look like it!), hotpants (you think I'm kidding but I'm not), breast pockets that accidentally resemble breasts, lederhosen, crochet patchwork skirts, knitted ties, vests with fringe (don't ask where her hand is because I'm not sure), enough sideburns to do Movember proud (and you could use the hair to knit a dress out of) and loads of clothes that look like a re-enactment of the curtains-as-clothes scene from The Sound of Music. I did have a couple moments where I swore I saw a couple outfits my mum used to make me wear as a child. Forever traumatised. Also: LOVE YOU, MUM! (That was in case she's reading this blog right now). I promise, if you request all of these, you will laugh. So hard it hurts and you'll feel like you're hacking up a body organ. I know, right? You're welcome! And so: 5 books about the funny side of fashion.

5 books to make milk come out of your nose

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
- Woody Allen

Humour is, of course, subjective. What makes me laugh will, possibly, make you fear for my sanity. (If you don't already). And what *you* find funny may be be too subtle for me, or so clever it leaves me for dust. I would think, though, that we could meet somewhere in the middle and find something worth chortling over. Maybe it'll be one of the books on this list - some of which I've finished already, and a couple I've just started. Happy reading!

5 books to help you prepare for zombiegeddon...or to help you get along with them if that's the only option left

Zombie outbreak.  Zombiegeddon.  Zombie infestation.  Possibly the thought of such a thing happening takes up more of my time than anyone would think was healthy.  But there it is.  I do think about it.  Lots and lots and lots.  I've been eyeball deep in The Walking Dead graphic novels and season one of the television series and have enjoyed every minute so far, but it makes me realise some quite strange things about myself.  (If you were to ask me which I appreciate more, the books or the series, I'd have to say neither, as I'm liking both for different reasons).  Mostly, I contemplate how I would be the stupid girl in the movie I love to yell at who you just know is going to get eaten first because either she's wearing something that doesn't allow for clambering fences and jumping hurdles (like the silly shoes I have on right now with the big flowers on them that aren't good for anything except decoration and are making me limp at the moment) OR I would be the idiot who is totally clueless about the undead in general.  And then I thought about how, in the normal run of things, I'm a pacifist - admittedly an extremely bad tempered one, but a pacifist all the same.  I'm opposed to war or violence as a solution to any problem.  I believe that anything (most things?) can be peacefully settled.  I very much believe we should love our neighbour at all times...but what if said neighbour is a zombie?  One very intent on borrowing your brain rather than a cup of sugar.  What then?  Which made me ask myself: How do I prepare for a zombie outbreak?  I think I found the answer in a couple of ways: 1) read books to prepare for a  zombie war and 2) read books to prepare to love my undead neighbour from afar.  Way afar, way way way afar.  (Not a proper sentence, I know).  Which leaves you with this!  5 books to help you prepare for zombiegeddon...or to help you get along with them if that's the only option left

Title I would love to have included somehow but the book is missing :(
Every zombie eats somebody sometime : a book of zombie love songs by Michael P. Spradlin
Another zombie title I couldn't quite fit in this post:
Zombies vs. Nazis : a lost history of the walking dead by Scott Kenemore 

Are you prepared for zombiegeddon?

Top 5 books I've read this week that were perfect for my morning bus rides to work

List by Tosca

"Humor is reason gone mad."
- Groucho Marx

I'm constantly on the lookout for books that make great morning bus ride material. I'm not talking epic reads. Those have their place. I just find that I get easily distracted on a bus so serious reads are a no-no for me then. I'm also not a morning person. (Or an afternoon person or a night person if I'm honest). That morning read can sometimes set the tone for my day. (It's also a great way for me to tune out any co-passengers who feel a burning desire to kickstart my work day with their explicit rap with the rest of us on their oh-so-bad-audio-quality-phones (minus headphones)). I want something that is funny, short, not too serious and yet gives me a different perspective on things and/or makes me reassess my complacency about 'stuff.' By 'stuff' I mean 'God, man, the universe, romance novels, the meaning of life' etc. You know, the small things. And then I want the moon in my pocket, please *pulls a face* This post is little more than my top 5 pick of books that have made me giggle, snort and choke with laughter on my morning bus rides over the last week and a half.