Friday, May 3, 2013

5 romance novel covers/characters/titles that make me go "QUE?

"Love makes you do the wacky."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I'm an unabashed romance reader. Of all kinds: paranormal, historical, contemporary, LGBTQ, erotic, Mills & Boon, fanfic - you name it, and I'll read it at least once. Sure, sometimes I get brassed off by ultra-alpha heroes and appallingly ditzy heroines and dubcon-as-love or stalking-as-love. Really, let's not go there. (Even though in my head I've gone there already and am seething at the very thought of it). And absolutely I get ten kinds of mad about how sometimes, in romance novels, I'll almost-but-not-quite willingly accept behaviour from heroes that, in real life, would see me slapping a trespass order on someone. So, sure, I love romance as a genre, but I'm not blind to what I perceive as some of its faults/quirks/whatever you want to call it. Discounting the above, I'm a fool for picking by strange/funny seeming plots, covers and titles. Seriously. The odder the better, probably. I read the synopsis and go "Wait, what? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" and then request it. Because I'm an idiot, obviously. Or I see the title and think "NO YOU JUST DID NOT!" and, yeah, I request it. Or look at the cover in all its 3D terrible-ness and say "COME TO MAMA!" and, omg, I request it. These five below are all examples of this. And you know what? I'm not even embarrassed. (That should be a romance hashtag, I swear to Hades. I can see it now: #notevenkidding #notevenembarrassed #notevenashamed).

PS: I miss working in the same office as Danielle and Natalie :( Every 'new books lists are posted' day we would amuse ourselves by reading aloud from the romance lists and rolling our eyes, shaking our heads and, in my case, hooting with ribald laughter before promptly ordering ALL OF THE THINGS. Because I'm mature like that.

Primal / Nathalie Gray
He's the worst of the bad, the deadliest weapon of them all, except to her…then he's the gentlest teddy bear. Liberty was the first member on the lycanthrope team of soldiers-for-hire. Her specialty is technology. She's seen every member join, some of them to stay, others to leave — permanently. One colleague has always managed to make her lose her legendary cool. Unlike her, Cupcake hails from a humble background, hasn't a credit to his name and lets people think he's just a mountain of muscle, all brawn and no brain. Liberty knows better and has lusted after the quiet, towering lycan with the serious eyes for years, silently wishing he'd just make his move. But he hasn't so far, even if there are days she swears there's a bit of fire in his pale eyes, a hint of longing in the way he glances at her when he thinks she's not looking.

HIS NAME IS CUPCAKE! Her name is Liberty. As a friend said upon reading this, "Liberty and Cupcake for all!"

Primal quest / Rebecca Airies
Caidi became Acine alpha female of her pack at a young age. In the years since that hard time, she has led her pack of shape-shifting Zarain into prosperity, all without the help of a single male. She has almost everything she could want, except for one thing...a baby. Caidi knows that even getting pregnant won't be easy, but she's willing to take the risk to get what she wants. And then everything goes wrong. Raven, an alpha Shadatai Zarain warrior, doesn't know the blonde woman who approaches him in a tavern, but he knows he wants her. After just one night with her, he has no doubts. He's found his mate and she isn't getting away from him. Now that Raven has found his mate, her safety is one of his highest priorities. Caidi's life is dangerous and she needs his protection. Whether or not she wants to accept it doesn't matter.

I have no words for this cover. None. NONE.

Provoked / Rebecca Zanetti
A casualty of the war between the demons and the vampires, Jase Kayrs has been missing for six long years. His older brothers want answers-- but they're going to have to get them from an unlikely source. For when Kane Kayrs tracks down Amber Freebird, what he finds is a blonde, vegan pacifist who has no intention of using her skills in his war.

Provoked. Into losing his shirt. OH NOES! I want to know, is it truly possible to have abs like that? I mean, realistically? I have never met a guy who did. Which is why I ask. But then it's not like I go around looking at every guy thinking "Lift your shirt, please," because that would be 1) inappropriate and 2) creepy. I haven't reached those levels, thank you very much. Also: Team Chest, FTW.

Piercing the veil / R.G. Alexander
Twins Hawk and Val are Fianna warriors under the vengeful curse of a scorned goddess. Following the prophecy in the Book of veils, they search for the one who can help them retrieve the Claíomh Solais before their enemies get the chance. Their quest leads them to Linnea. One touch and there can be no doubt that they have found their match. But will she accept them once she knows the truth? Linnea is no one special. So why is she on the run from evil faeries and her egotistical ex? Why is she suddenly spending time in the company of dragons, druids and one kinky Viking with a split personality? All she knows is she has to keep her family safe, and her heart safe from another betrayal.

Piercing the veil. Umm with err what?

Night rogues / Leah Brooke
Unable to control the psychic abilities, Serena Abbott spends her life alone. Her visions always come true, as do the dreams that plague her sleep. She will soon meet the man who will be her lover. Ian and Alastair Wyndham live dual lives as both millionaire playboys and freelance agents who don’t always find it necessary to play by the rules to bring justice to those who attempt to live their lives above the law. Meeting Serena, a woman who sees and knows too much, changes everything, putting their livelihood, and their lives, in danger. Taking her prisoner is easy. Fighting their attraction to her proves to be considerably more difficult. Keeping her safe will be even harder, especially when their current target wants to use Serena’s abilities to his own advantage. Together, the three of them find a connection they never expected, and a love they've never known.

This cover is, like, twice the Fabio-goodness. You remember Fabio Lanzoni, right - Itaian fashion model, actor, author? He graced the cover of numerous romance novels back in the 80s/90s. And don't judge me, but I used to LOVE the show Acapulco H.E.A.T. He played Claudio. Yeah, I know you're judging me now.

You know my opinion about menage books - I don't read them often because I get confused about where everybody's limbs go, which leads to being concerned that somebody's something-or-other - arm, leg, eyeball, I dunno, geez - is lacking attention. I CAN'T HELP WHAT I THINK. Interesting to note that in Amazon, at the end of the synopsis for this, they have: "There is no sexual relationship or touching for titillation between or among siblings."


breve711 said...

liberty. and cupcake. in the same book. what even?

bonus points for buffy quote!

tosca said...

IKR? It's like...I'm not sure if I'm amazed or not. I just know that I saw it and I was like "OH NOES! GIMME!" Because I'm terrible like that O.o

Buffy is absolute win, right? :)