Wednesday, December 12, 2012

5 (of 150) essential things every guy should know about science

"If you're a real man, you get a kick out of things that go boom, catch fire, and smell really, really, bad. What you might not know is that science is what makes it all happen."
- Bobby Mercer, How do you light a fart? And 150 other essential things every guy should know about science

I believe that we all have a talent or a gift. For most of us, this will probably manifest itself in useful ways. Like being able to save lives as a doctor, or mould young minds as a teacher. Me...not so much. My gift is that I can find the strangest and most unusual books/titles in our collections without even trying. Actually, if I'm honest, then I'll admit that I find unusual EVERYTHING without trying - books, shoes, people, hats, animals. You name it, it all finds me. (In this instance I'm thinking of the strange guy who came up to me at Armageddon earlier this year and SNIFFED MY HAIR. If this were Twitter, my hashtag for this would be #thisismylife because, really, it is). Today's pick is all about the miscellanea. To be precise, 150 essential bits of science trivia that every guy should know. Really! Mercer's book is actually called How do you light a fart? And 150 other essential things every guy should know about science. It was hard for me to choose my top 5, so I settled for picking the 5 that made me WTF the most AND/OR made me snort/giggle (snortiggle? Gnort?) the loudest. Read them. Laugh about them. More importantly, rejoice in the fact that we (and the men who need to know these things) are, possibly, just that little bit smarter. And grossed out.

Quick note: I have to apologise for my absence. Work is crazybusyflatout at the moment, and writing Top 5 posts, for the next couple of weeks or so, is going to be a snatched, guilty pleasure. Tomorrow - 13th December - kickstarts our third year of 12 Posts of Christmas, where we post every day leading up to Christmas Day, about all sorts of random-ish things. So! Bring it on :)

How do you know if she hates your gift?
"Up to 90 of all communication is nonverbal, and her body language will tell you if she is upset with her gift. Her eyes sag a tiny bit, even if she is trying to save your feelings. Her smile involves only the mouth - the sign of a plastic, fake smile."

Apparently, if we women open the gift and repeat what it is, e.g. "Oh. You bought me a cordless drill," this means we hate it. If, however, we jump into his arms and plant a sexy kiss on him, it's a safe bet he bought the vacuum we wanted most in the world. Or something. Seriously, men, after years of watching my dad get it wrong, keep this in mind: Don't buy us anything you would want for yourself. Or you may end up wearing it :/

Can you outrun an alligator?
"It appears that no credible research group has ever measured the speed of an alligator, but you have to love the Australians. They have measured the speed of Australian freshwater crocodiles..."

No. Credible. Research. Group. Let me say that again: No credible research group. Possibly because people are mostly sane. How you go about measuring the speed of an alligator, or who would volunteer to be chased by one to find out - QUE? Oh, Australia! You did what?

How do you pick up an ice cube with a piece of hair?
"Lay the hair across the ice cube. Sprinkle a little salt on the cube over the hair. Wait about thirty seconds and lift the cube by the hair."

Because EVERY good Christmas family get-together should involve an ice cube and a piece of hair, right? Right. Okay, no. Wrong. Seriously, guys need to know strange stuff. (I'll give you bonus points if you DO pull out this little trick at the dinner table, though).

How do you light a fart?
"Of course, you can light a fart."

WHY "OF COURSE"? Really. Why "Of course"? What is so OF COURSE about being able to light a fart? I don't get it. This is a guy thing, isn't it? I don't know women who sit around either talking about doing it, or actually doing it. Men. What is wrong with you all? For those among us who need to know: This is a dangerous stunt and should only ever be performed by professionals. Imagine THAT on your résumé :/ Strangely(?), this question isn't at #1. Yes, there is a question more bizarre than this.

Do sharks really have two penises?
"Why two? Shark experts think it allows them to mate on either side. Swimming and having sex can't be easy, so two penises increase the chances."

Forget men knowing about this fact. I didn't even know about it! I've seen Jaws AND I've been to Kelly Tarlton's, too, so I know sharks, mister. Or I thought I did. Now I'm just slightly creeped out. My problem now is: Do I go to Kelly Tarlton's still and take the nephews and wonder, when I see the sharks, where their 'claspers' are? Or avoid the place altogether? Gah. So conflicted.


breve711 said...

first thing i'm doing when i get home tonight is lifting an ice cube with my hair! o_O

breve711 said...

i think i did it wrong because it didn't work. take 2 tonight