Saturday, November 10, 2012

Top 5 shades of Fifty Shades

"So," I asked, "Do you like the feel of a feather on your naked skin?"
"I'm not sure," she said "Maybe if you took it off the pigeon first?"

- From Fifty sheds of grey by C. T. Grey

Art thou fed up to the back teeth of Fifty Shades of Grey? Have your eyeballs been singed by the spiciness of the dialogue and the raciness of the character shenanigans? (What DOES Anastasia do with that pancake flip? Why WILL you never look at a toothbrush the same way again? In fact, you may even chuck yours out). Yes? Well, that's just too darn bad BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE I haz five shades of Fifty Shades!

"What does that EVEN MEAN?" you ask.

Simple: It means I took some time out of my day to look up any and all Fifty Shades parodies and/or Fifty Shades-related THINGS and STUFFS to make up this post. Beck had two turntables and a microphone. I have four Fifty Shades parodies, two sex books, a compact disc, and a pukeko in a ponga tree. (I lied about the ponga tree). (The pukeko is real, though). (Ok, no it's not, I lied about that, too). (I am a lying liar who tells lies). While you read this post, imagine me with no words whatsoever, because it would be the truth. Sexytimes parodies? Speechless. (Enjoy it while it lasts because I am never silent long). And yes, I've requested them all. It is my duty to take one for the team *said with hand solemnly on heart* Plus, I need the giggles. You're welcome, et voilà!

There is also:

  • Fifty shades of ecstasy : fifty secret sex positions for mind-blowing orgasms / Marisa Bennett
  • Fifty shades of pleasure : a bedside companion : sex secrets that hurt so good / Marisa Bennett
  • Fifty shades of chicken : a parody in a cookbook / F.L. Fowler
    Dripping Thighs, Sticky Chicken Fingers, Vanilla Chicken, Chicken with a Lardon, Bacon-Bound Wings, Spatchcock Chicken, Learning-to-Truss-You Chicken, Holy Hell Wings, Mustard-Spanked Chicken, and more, more, more! Fifty chicken recipes, each more seductive than the last, in a book that makes every dinner a turn-on. "I want you to see this. Then you'll know everything. It's a cookbook," he says and opens to some recipes, with color photos. "I want to prepare you, very much." This isn't just about getting me hot till my juices run clear, and then a little rest. There's pulling, jerking, stuffing, trussing. Fifty preparations. He promises we'll start out slow, with wine and a good oiling . . . Holy crap . "I will control everything that happens here," he says. "You can leave anytime, but as long as you stay, you're my ingredient." I'll be transformed from a raw, organic bird into something--what? Something delicious . So begins the adventures of Miss Chicken, a young free-range, from raw innocence to golden brown ecstasy, in this spoof-in-a-cookbook that simmers in the afterglow of E.L. James's sensational Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy . Like Anastasia Steele, Miss Chicken finds herself at the mercy of a dominating man, in this case, a wealthy, sexy, and very hungry chef. And before long, from unbearably slow drizzling to trussing, Miss Chicken discovers the sheer thrill of becoming the main course. A parody in three acts--"The Novice Bird" (easy recipes for roasters), "Falling to Pieces" (parts perfect for weeknight meals), and "Advanced Techniques" (the climax of cooking)-- Fifty Shades of Chicken is a cookbook of fifty irresistible, repertoire-boosting chicken dishes that will leave you hungry for more. With memorable tips and revealing photographs, Fifty Shades of Chicken will have you dominating dinner.

    Fifty sheds of grey / C. T. Grey
    If the latest wave of popular erotic romance has gotten your motor running, this book will shift you into high gear! Author Marisa Bennett steps up again to give you the dirty details on doing the horizontal hula, with wit, humor, and some hot new moves. This guide will help you expand your sexual repertoire and hone your sexytime skills while exploring ecstasy in fifty (count'em, fifty!) different ways. You'll learn a ton of fun and sexy postions like the visually-stimulating Pin-Up Girl, the cozy Lock and Key, and the hot and creative Bobsled (also knownas "sledding on Bob"), each one beautifully illustrated to help make sure you've got everything in the proper place So what are you waiting for? Whether you are single and ready to (co) mingle or married and want to put some new moves into your old routine, pick up this hot how-to and kick your sexcapades up to the next level with fifty new ways to get it on!

    Fifty shades of grey [compact disc] : the classical album / music selected by author E.L. James
    Lakme. Act 1. Flower duet / Delibes (3:31) -- Keyboard concerto in D minor, BWV 974. Adagio / Bach (4:01) -- Bachianas Brasileiras no. 5, for soprano and 8 cellos. Aria (Cantilena). Adagio / Villa-Lobos (6:08) -- La traviata. Preludio / Verdi (3:53) -- Canon in D / Pachelbel (5:01) -- Spem in Alium (The Tallis Scholars ; Peter Phillips, director) / Tallis (9:56) -- Prélude no. 4 en mi mineur, op. 28 / Chopin (1:42) -- Piano concerto no. 2 in C minor, op. 18. Adagio sostenuto (excerpt) / Rachmaninoff (4:32) -- Fantasia on a theme by Thomas Tallis. Opening / Vaughan Williams (6:12) -- Chants d'Auvergne. Bailèro (series 1, no. 2) / Canteloube (6:43) -- Nocturne no. 1 en si bémol mineur, op. 9, no. 1 / Chopin (5:13) -- Requiem, op. 48. In paradisum / Fauré (3:29) -- Goldberg variations, BWV 988. Aria / Bach (3:04) -- Préludes, book 1. La fille aux cheveux de lin / Debussy (2:37) -- Cantata no. 147, "Herz und Mund und Tat und Leben," BWV 147. Choral: Jesu bleibe meine Freude = Jesu, joy of man's desiring / Bach (3:31).

    Fifty shelves of grey : a selection of great books erotically remastered / Vanessa Parody
    In these technologically advanced days, when every fantasy is catered for at the click of a mouse, isn't it time to sex up your bookshelves? Introducing Fifty Shelves of Grey - all your favourite titles, artfully condensed and erotically remastered, packaged into one volume, and ergonomically designed to be easily read with one hand. From literary masterpieces - Jane Eyre turns the tables on Mr Rochester; to modern classics - Philip Marlowe is a dick of a different kind in The Big Sleep; via recipes - Nigella Lawson treats herself to some afternoon delight; and self-help - the Fear gets well and truly Felt, and we Do It Anyway; this collection has something for every reader and every kink.

    Fifty shames of Earl Grey / Fanny Merkin (a.k.a. Andrew Shaffer)
    When naive college student Anna interviews the young handsome tycoon Earl Grey for Boardroom Hotties magazine, she finds herself drawn into his twisted world of, well, mostly naughty dialogue and light spanking. Anna is enthralled - after all, he's rich and buys every company she's ever worked for in an attempt to get close to her. Including Walmart. Though, on the flipside, he's a moody bastard whose 50 shames constantly threaten to overwhelm her. Can Earl Grey and Anna ever have a normal life together? Or will his dark desires and constant smirking drive her over the edge? A parody.

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