Thursday, November 1, 2012

5 things this book taught me about living with a man

"You've reeled in the man you love. Well done. But the work is far from over. In fact, it's only just begun. And I'm not talking about perfecting your Sunday roast. You, dear, are a work-in-progress. You must diligently maintain a basic grooming routine, both to keep him satisfied and to continue to become the most glamorous and beguiling woman in your - and his acquaintance."
- Jennifer Worick in How to live with a man and love it!

Title: How to live with a man and love it!
Author: Jennifer Worick
Publisher: Allen & Unwin
Published: 2005

I'm single. In fact, I'm allergic to commitment of any kind. Seriously, I can't even own a pet or a pot plant without hyperventilating and feeling like I'm trapped. Twice, though, I've considered marriage. The first time, well, least said...least said. With the second time, I had a dream that I was walking down the aisle and for some reason that made me wake up crying (sobbing, actually) and thinking that all of my choices, and my identity, were being taken away from me. (Yeah, I know, drama queen much?). This all adds up to no marriage, no settling down, no kids. (If I can't do pets or pot plants I most certainly can't do kids). So what better match for a commitment phobe like me, than Worick's tongue-in-cheek relationship humour? Last week on the Auckland Libraries blog I mentioned Worick's book Things I want to punch in the face which, in turn, led me to this find. And this book, OH THIS BOOK! Rib-hurtingly funny, wholly irreverent, and with a dash of truth thrown in here and there, too. Because OF COURSE, right? This is the part where I could tell you that I conducted some terribly scientific experiment to round out this post - but we both know I'd be lying through my teeth. Me being me, I picked out five random tips and ran them past friends and siblings. What a series of emails and conversations that was! Here are 5 humorous things this book taught me about living with a man (were I to settle down), and some responses to them.

Minimum maintenance
"Don't let yourself go, even on days when you happen to be at home alone." (page 63)
"Be glamorous, not gross." (page 64)

Tosca's comment: Insert unprintable friend/sibling comments here

Baby your man
"Your man is a child at heart. He may not admit it, but he enjoys being mothered by you. Like a boy, he loves it when you make him a sandwich, run him a bath, surprise him with a treat, and care for him when he's sick." (page 103)

Tosca's comment: One friend, "Is he dead why he can't make his own sandwich?"

Love his food
"Better yet, learn to make his favourite dishes. Pay attention to what he takes seconds of. When you are at a restaurant, notice what he tends to order. Does he love fish or is he a hard-core carnivore? Ask his mother what his favourite dishes from childhood are. Or take the next step and ask her to share the recipes with you. She'll love that and your man will love your meatloaf."

Tosca's comment: I had this moment where I briefly wondered is meatloaf a euphemism?
According to one friend, "He eats what I make. End of discussion."
Another friend, "Ask WHO?" *erupts into gales of laughter*
Another's response was, "This person is single, isn't she?"

Make him feel like a man
"Even if you wear dungarees or those darling capri pants now and again, let your man know that he wears the trousers in your twosome. Cede manly tasks, like repairing the roof or fixing a leaky tap, to him. You know you can do these tasks, but why break a nail or a sweat when you have a perfectly good man in need of a little ego?" (page 40)

Tosca's comment: Friend's response, "You're kidding. Right? You *are* kidding? You're NOT?"

Positive reinforcement
"He paints the bathroom - You pay for the two of you to paint the town red"
"He rakes leaves - You caddy for him on 18 holes of golf"
"He washes the dog - You give him a sponge bath"

Tosca's comment: Sibling said, " with a man is the equivalent of training a PUPPY?"


Madhamster said...

Gah! So many reasons to stay single! Those partner-things sound like way more work than a puppy. At least puppies grow up, and are glad to see you, and give you devoted attention.
I'd rather spend that much attention and devotion to myself.
I make myself my fav food, so I reward myself with chocolate and wine. If I clean my house, I can reward myself with chocolate and wine...

tosca said...

I've always found puppies/dogs to be a bit needy. But then I'm not a cat person, either. I am an axolotyl person. I'm not sure what that says?

LOL @ chocolate and wine!