List by Johnny Sharp from the book Crap lyrics : a celebration of all the very worst pop lyrics of all time -- ever!.
Pop has never been shy of asking searching questions of its listeners. Why does it always rain on me? Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight? Are we human or are we dancer?
- Johnny Sharp,
Terrible confession: Sometimes, when I'm feeling really juvenile, I perform a keyword search for a curse word and request any title that looks relatively interesting. Which is how I ended up with Johnny Sharp's book Crap lyrics on my desk. I never thought there'd be a time when I would be glad to possess such an awful sense of humour because this, mes amis, is a very funny book. Funny in that laugh-out-loud kinda way and, also, in that wince-because-you-can't-believe-he-just-said-that kinda way, too. Any songs I hadn't heard of I looked up. Did I agree or disagree with Sharp's comments? Sometimes I did - I Want To Sex You Up by Colour Me Badd (remember them from the 90s? Unfortunately, I do). Sometimes I didn't - Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi (I'm always going to be biased about Bon Jovi). Sometimes he made me see songs I already knew in a different light - Horse With No Name by America (I was flabbergasted because that song was one I adored as a child but Sharp sees it as obscure and illogical) *cue tear* As to why I've chosen the bottom 5 as my list (i.e. #6 - #10), I thought they were way more interesting than the top 5 :)
Can you think of any songs that have awful lyrics?
Ballad of a thin man by Bob Dylan - copy of this song on No direction home : the soundtrack [compact disc]
You walk into the room
With your pencil in your hand
You see somebody naked
And you say, "Who is that man ?"
You try so hard
But you don't understand
Just what you'll say
When you get home
Sharp's opinion: Bad rhymes, obscure, nonsense, illogical. To quote, "Full of mysterious statements which no-one, least of all Mr Jones, understands, but wishfully imbues with great significance. Or is he having a laugh at our expense?"
I just shot John Lennon by The Cranberries - copy of this song on To the faithful departed [compact disc]
It was the fearful night of December 8th
He was returning home from the studio late
He had perseptively known that it wouldn't be nice
Because in 1980, he paid the price
John Lennon died
Sharp's opinion: Bad rhymes, nonsense, illogical, well-meaning but still rubbish. To quote, "An impossibly clumsy Irish jig on the great man's grave."
Horse with no name by America - copy of this song on History : America's greatest hits [compact disc]
After nine days, I let the horse run free,
'Cause the desert had turned to sea
There were plants and birds, and rocks and things,
There was sand and hills and rings
The ocean is a desert, with its life underground,
And a perfect disguise above
Under the cities lies, a heart made of ground,
But the humans will give no love
Sharp's opinion: Bad rhymes, illogical, uninspired, obscure. To quote, "A horse with no name, and a song making no sense. Avoids the number one spot due to a jolly nice tune."
The joker by the Steve Miller Band - copy of this song on The very best of the Steve Miller Band [compact disc]
Some people call me the space cowboy yeah
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
Cause' I speak of the pompatus of love
Sharpe's opinion: Bad rhymes, innuendo, nonsense, inappropriate sentiments. To quote, "Truly foul."
My humps by Black Eyes Peas - copy of this song on Monkey business [compact disc]
What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk
Get you love drunk off my hump
Sharp's opinion: Bad rhymes, innuendo, nonsense, inappropriate sentiments. To quote, "Represented through the use of the kind of metaphors that most primary school children would consider lacking in sophistication, if not downright racist."
Tosca's comment: There aren't words enough to describe how truly terrible I felt having to Google 'my humps lyrics.'